Author: dvdbrntt

dvdbrntt

An Open Letter to Present and Future Adoptive Parents

As someone who has read a plethora of adoption blogs, books, and magazine articles, and as an older child adoptee, I find it very interesting what adoptive parents write about. Usually they begin by sharing with the reader about their own journey of wanting another child.  Some write about their desire to give a child a new and better life, others talk about their inability to birth a child, so they want to fulfill the need for a child by adopting. Included are phases such as “birthed in my heart” and “forever family.”  Many of these clichés, although meaningful, have been used over and over again by adoption agencies to market their services.

I would like to propose a different conversation related to adoption.  The first and foremost thought should be about the child.  I am not advocating child-centered parenting, but child focused empathy.  In the case of infant adoption ask yourself, “What does it feel like to listen to a mother’s voice for nine months, as a being is growing and developing,  and then the mother’s voice is silenced?”   Regardless of what you have been told, there is no such thing as a “blank slate.”  This is apparent when a child  has experienced alcohol or drug abuse by the mother.  This may impact the child for the rest of their life!   If you are adopting an older child, realize that they  have experienced and have definite memories of abuse, neglect, and abandonment. ( For more information on the effects of a child being abandoned by their birth mother, read “The Primal Wound” by Nancy Verrier.   An excellent resource for more information on an intervention for these children,  explore Trust Based Relational Intervention at http://www.child.tcu.edu.)

For most children and families, adoption is a wonderful experience,  but remember that it is Plan B.  Going into the adoption process with this in mind will help the adoptive parent to have more compassion for their child. Compassion for the child is the place to begin when it comes to “the adoption effect” (see The Adoption Effect by Barbara Blomquist),  so narccisists need not apply.  There are already enough messed up children in this world.

dvdbrntt

Embracing the Adoption Effect

Author Barbara Taylor Blomquist’s recently released book, “Embracing The Adoption Effect,” garners a positive review from Vermont Adoption Consortium member, Judith Bush.

“I especially like the words “the adoption effect” in the title of this book.  It is a novel improvement on “adoption issues”, a phrase which always sounds to me like a set of problems and negative fallout rather than a straightforward assessment of all that ensues, good and bad, when adoption is in the picture,” Bush states.

“Embracing the Adoption Effect” is a summary of stories, interviews, and commentaries from the author about adoptive children and adoptive parents.

“Blomquist has mined this rich material to present a coherent perspective on the overall experience of adoption… the result of this approach enables the reader to grasp the complexity of the experience of adoption. Blomquist’s conclusion, and in a sense her advice, is that the outcome of living with adoption is much more dependent on one’s attitude than on anything else.”

________________________

This book is one of the most balanced books on the subject of adoption I have read. Writing from the perspective of an adoptive mom and a counselor, Barbara Blomquist’s perspective is empathetic and enlightened.  This particular work shares the perspective of 29 people touched by adoption from the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s.

 

dvdbrntt

Empowered

em·pow·er
əmˈpou(ə)r/
verb
past tense: empowered; past participle: empowered
  1. give (someone) the authority or power to do something.
    “nobody was empowered to sign checks on her behalf”
    synonyms: authorize, entitle, permit, allow, license, sanction, warrant, commission, delegate, qualify,enable, equip

    “the act empowered police to arrest dissenters”
    antonyms: forbid
    • make (someone) stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights.
      “movements to empower the poor”
      synonyms: emancipate, unshackle, set free, liberate

      “movements to empower the poor”
      antonyms: enslave
dvdbrntt

Relational

Relational is the third word of the acronym CORE, and the one which best exemplifies someone who is a mentally and spiritually healthy human being.  Relationships are in our DNA.  We were created to have relationships.

When a child is connected to their parents, and the parents to the child, relationships come more easily.  When a child has no connections, then they have a difficult time with all relationships.  The prime examples are children who have reactive attachment disorder.  There are many instances  of children who were raised in Romania and Russia whom had no connections to an adult.  You may remember the news stories of these children, rocking back and forth in their crib, comforting themselves.

How are you doing in the relationship category?  How are your children doing?  If you need some coaching in regards to building healthy relationships, contact me and hopefully we can get moving in a positive direction!

dvdbrntt

OPEN

“Your mind is like a parachute; it only works when it is open.”
― Anthony J. D’Angelo

The second letter of the acronym CORE is –  open.  Open refers to being open-mind about new information or possibly old information that you have dismissed.  The term also implies being “open” to possibilities.  In the context of CORE Family Resources, it is all about being open to the process of connecting, being open, relational, and as a result to be empowered and to empower others. 

Being open is what it takes for someone to acknowledge that they may not have all the answers when it comes to parenting, especially parenting foster/adopt children.  Parenting “children from hard places” requires a person to be compassionate, empathetic,  and love unconditionally.  Of course this should be the modus operandi for all parents!

dvdbrntt

Connected

What does it mean to be connected?   In the professional world of business or entertainment, it is having the right contacts.  In the spiritual world it is having a relationship to God.  In the parenting world, it is having an attachment to your child, and for the child to have an attachment to you.

The C of CORE Family Resources is for the word connected.   This connection refers to  the relationship a person has to God, and the relationship a person has to their family.  It is my concept that in order to have the most optimal relationship with your family, you need to have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Connections happen for a child by meeting their needs.  The most important needs are sustenance,  security, and unconditional love.  If these three basic needs are not met, there will not be an attachment, and as a result, no trust.  Ideally, this happens in the first three years of life which sets the stage for healthy growth.  However, if a child is from “a hard place”, then they have had a difficult life, possibly as early as the prenatal stage.  Neglect, abandonment, and abuse are the roads that run through “a hard place”.  These roads are not smooth, and damage to a child’s vehicle (body and soul) often occurs.  However, there is hope.

The hope is Trust Based Relational Intervention.  By using the TBRI framework,   a child can be healed, and a connection can be made.  Are you connected?  Is your child connected?  If not, send me a message and I will put you on the pathway to healing.